An Imperfect Start

I can't decide how I want to start this. I've gone through multiple iterations of the same thought but haven't been completely satisfied with any of them. This is rather frustrating because I want what I say to be perfect. Therein lies the problem of the approach that I've taken to life. I have been pursuing the unattainable. Perfection does not exist yet I continually chase after it. I've recently come to see just how much this mindset has impacted my life, and usually not in a positive fashion. This realization is hard to accept, but I'm hoping my admission of this fact will allow me to change for the better.

I'm not exactly sure when I became so worried about making mistakes. In grade school I constantly volunteered to answer questions in class and didn't mind having the attention of others directed at me. But that changed when I got older. By the time I reached eighth grade or so I was hesitant to speak up in class, even when I was confident that I had the correct response to a teacher's inquiry. I feared being wrong and therefore decided that in order to avoid judgment it would be best to remain silent. What I failed to realize until very recently was that people were probably judging me more for staying quiet than they would have if I had spoken up but given a wrong answer.

My fear of judgment has also contributed to my extreme indecisiveness. I really struggle to make decisions, no matter what they pertain to, and I typically hesitate to ask others for help. It was only in the recent past that I was convinced that these characteristics could use improvement. Additionally, I’m a nice person. This doesn’t sound like a bad thing, however, the problem is that I’m too nice. I don’t stand up for myself in instances when I should because I’m more worried about hurting someone else’s feelings than I am about letting my own feelings be hurt. Overtime, this outlook has been to my detriment.

The good news is that I've FINALLY decided that I’ve let my lack of self-confidence get the better of me for long enough. I don’t want to go on living my life in the manner that I have in the past. While I’m disappointed that I let myself maintain the mindset that I have for so long, I’m choosing to view it as a learning experience. Yes I’ve failed in a lot of ways, but it is through my failures that I can work to become a better person. It is for this reason that I hope I continue to fail, at least to an extent, because I want to continue to learn and grow. And I think that writing about what I’ve learned, and am continuing to learn, will help to ingrain those lessons in my mind. So here I go… Learning to Be Imperfect.